I think we all remember that cute little game that gets played with just about every baby on the planet.  Peek-a-boo?  It is a fun game that gets little babies smiling and often giggling with their cute little belly laughs.  The takeaway from that game for me, at this moment in time, is the second line.  I see you. 

I believe one of our core human needs is to be seen.  We want someone, anyone, to be a witness to our lives.  We want to be visible, not invisible.  I remember going to events that my kids were participating in and watching them as they scanned the audience until we finally made eye contact so we could wave at each other.   They wanted the assurance that someone was there to see them.

I think, as a parent, the reason I was so diligent in making sure I went to my children’s events stemmed from my own childhood and youth.  When I scanned the audience, no one was there.  I only remember four instances that my parents (one or both) actually attended a performance or school event.  I definitely gave them plenty to choose from.  I was a very active child participating in drama, choir, volleyball, piano and organ, community plays, honor choir, and the list goes on and on.  I have often wondered what it was I was looking for since I over-indulged in so many activities. Even my high school graduation was overlooked.  No. One. Came.  As a child you ask yourself all kinds of silly questions, such as “are they not proud of me?”  or “am I not good enough?” or “what’s wrong with me?” As an adult you see things differently.

I remember “running away from home” frequently during my grade school years.  I wanted to experience what it was like “elsewhere”.  I would miss the bus on purpose and trot off to a friend’s house with them after school.  I was also known to get on a different bus with a friend so I could go home with them.  This gave me a peek into their lives and homes.  Of course, I would never call home to ask permission before I went because I knew what the answer would be.  It was always no.  So,  I just did it.  Mom would call all over creation to see where I had disappeared to.  It’s a good thing we lived in a small town.  I was always in trouble but kept right on doing it. 

I think now about how scared I would have been if my kids had done this to me, but then, we lived in a different world at that time.  We were out for hours playing with our friends until the sun went down then we would make our way back home by ourselves in the dark.

I recently had some old slides of myself and my brother transferred to digital format then had the pictures printed.  I look at these pictures and wonder what happened to this sweet, innocent, happy and relaxed little girl who looks as if she is at peace in her world. She appears to be happy. I’m not sure what happened after that, but something did. At some point I lost the message that those closest to me were there for me. Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest and all my brothers and sisters were leaving home. I don’t know. It’s a bit of a mystery.

I look back at my search for love and acceptance. I turned to just about every wrong place you can imagine. I think about past mistakes, how I hurt others, how they hurt me.  I suppose life throws you curves to help you learn and I’m not sure I handled all of my lessons with grace and dignity.  Knowing what I know now, I could have handled a lot of my lessons better and created a little less heartache and pain for myself and others.  Too many times I allowed others to take advantage of me, and in an effort to please them, I always overlooked my own self-love. 

So, now, I am learning about the power of self-love and radical forgiveness. I happened upon the Ancient Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer and have been meditating to this daily for a couple of weeks.  It’s a very self-powering process. It is helping to clear out the excess garbage I have accumulated and stuffed down into the deepest part of my heart.

I am hearing the message that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.  I am working through all my mistakes in order to get to the point of loving myself truly and deeply.  I am giving myself the grace that I so often and freely give to others, no questions asked.  I have been processing and letting go of some of my hardest life lessons.  I have a lifetime of experiences to get through.   The list is long but these old messages are being transformed each day and literally being “let go” into the universe and being replaced with inner peace, acceptance and forgiveness. 

I always felt that love was “out there” and un-reachable, now it is becoming “in here.”  I look at the pictures of my sweet little younger self and say the Ho’oponopono prayer:  “I’m sorry” “Please forgive me” “I thank you” and “I love you.”

I see you little girl, and I love you.

I see you, and I love you.