I really hate being a doormat.  I’ve had many situations in my life in which I have allowed people to step on me or “wipe their boots on me” in order to take advantage of me.

By nature,  I am a peacemaker and I learned from an early age as a survivial mechanism, that I had to let others have their way without regard to my feelings or thoughts. My true nature thrives on happiness, joy and kindness.  I avoid conflict like the plague.  It pains me deeply when I hurt people, so I try not to do or say anything that might offend.  In doing so, though, I have put my own needs last and accepted bad behavior in order to keep the peace.  Being a peacemaker, however, has been at my own peril.  I often bottle things up inside and either eat my way through the emotions or practice my pressure cooker behavior and let the pressure build until I explode.  Pity the poor person that’s around when that happens.  (Usually my husband, bless his soul.  He’s a great listener)

I understand that it would be so much easier to just talk to people and express my feelings. . . or would it?  I tried to do that when I was a child and was literally shut down, told to be quiet or shamed for feeling the way I did, and even told not to feel at all. I learned to keep my mouth shut.  So, how easy is it really, when you’ve had no practice at expressing yourself?  It puts you in a very vulnerable, helpless position and wide open to criticism, resentment, shaming, and rejection.  Let’s face it, I am very conflict avoidant.  It is so uncomfortable, I feel it from my head to my toes and it takes weeks for me to process emotions.

There is a little girl inside me, though,  the one who was shut down and shamed, who speaks softly in my ear…It’s ok to express yourself.  It’s ok to have an opinion.  It’s ok to set firm boundaries.  It’s ok to be who you are.  It’s ok to speak up.  It’s ok to love yourself first.  You have nothing to prove to anyone.  It’s ok to be you.  It’s ok to be happy.  That little girl is at my very core and she’s the one I have learned to listen to above all others.

Learned behavior.  Hmmm…There’s something about those words that gives me pause.  If you learned how to act one way, can’t you re-learn how to act another?  I certainly believe so.  We don’t have to go through our lives doing it as it’s always been done “just because your mama said so.”

Problem solving is never easy.  Sometimes you have to have uncomfortable, yet crucial conversations.  You know, the ones where you’re churning deep inside wondering if you speak up and say how you really feel, you are at risk of being rejected and trampled on (or accepted, whew!)  It isn’t easy.  I’ve had a lot of rejection in my life and it hurts.

I have been studying  Karpman’s “Drama Triangle” recently.  This idea started in 1969. (I was ten years old at the time so it’s been around a while.)  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s plenty of U-tube videos out there as well as some great Ted Talks on the subject.  It’s human nature to want to take on different roles such as rescuer, victim or persecutor.  I had a therapist years ago who told me it was my job to free myself from the triangle because the only person I could do anything about was myself.  Some people may see that as selfish, but self-care is NOT the same as being selfish.

We have to learn (or re-learn) how to set healthy boundaries and it takes practice.  We need to surround ourselves with people who lift us up, not tear us down.  We need to remove ourselves from one-sided relationships.  We need to find our tribe of “others” who only want the best for us.  Sometimes we are faced with a choice of choosing between ourselves and friends or family that we love.  It’s a hard decision to make and one that I never take lightly, but self-care can sometimes lead to difficult decisions that have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not.  I’m talking about self-care and surrounding yourself with positive people, setting healthy boundaries, preserving yourself.  SAVING YOURSELF.  Make a decision to let go and walk away, or have that crucial conversation, but get out of the triangle and empower yourself.

Take care of you, because no one has the potential to take better care of you than you do. Practice your own self-care and let those who need to wipe their feet do it on their own doormats and let your healing begin.