It certainly has been one crazy wild ride this year!  It’s given me plenty of time to think and reflect, which has been a good thing.  I’ve cleared a lot of old baggage in order to make room for any new possibilities that will come my way. There are still a lot of things niggling at my brain, though. One of them has been there for many years.

When you are a teenager, you do a lot of really dumb things.  Selfish things.  I don’t know why I can’t just let this one go, but it’s probably because I never apologized.  I never learned how to say “I’m sorry” in my formative years.  These words were never spoken in our home.  It was always just assumed, and then we were left to process the emotions ourselves.  Oh brother!  That can be disastrous with young adults who don’t have a fully formed brain yet.  We see things through child eyes and it’s normally up to our parents to explain and clarify by asking questions about what’s going on and explain so that we can see things from a different perspective.  An adult perspective. My parents didn’t know how to do that.  I’m not even sure I knew how when I was raising my children, but we do better when we know better.  (I hope my kids can forgive me)

That being said, what’s still in there that I can’t let go of is Gussie’s shoes.  Gussie was a dear friend and live in roommate to my best friend’s mom. (No, not like that.  They were just really good friends)  I just loved these two women when I would visit.  They were from the south and they had that southern drawl with accompanying southern hospitality.  They were two of the sweetest people I’d ever met.  I don’t know the full story of how they ended up in in the west, but I know that my friend’s dad had passed away and her mom and Gussie were making ends meet and raising two beautiful daughters in our small rural community.  I’m so glad they did.  My friend was always there for me when no one else was.  We had a lot of fun together singing in the high school choir and singing in competitions at local and regional events.  Let’s just say we harmonized well together.

Our school was having a talent show in the fall of my senior year (if I remember correctly) and we wanted to sing an old “Andrews Sister’s” song.  I think we chose the 1940’s Glenn Miller R&B song “In the Mood” or “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”  I honestly can’t remember which song it was, but there were three of us in the choir that really harmonized well together so we decided to go all out and sing this song wearing era costumes and all.  I didn’t have much at home that I could choose from that would look authentic so my friend let me borrow Gussie’s shoes that she had held on to since the 1940’s.  They fit perfectly and made my costume look totally authentic.  We gave a great performance and looking back, I should have just sent the shoes home with my friend after the talent show.  I didn’t.

I don’t know why I took them home with me, other than the fact that they fit like a glove and were so amazing that I wanted to wear them just one more time.  I wore them to church the next Sunday and felt really proud of myself because they were so cute and they made my legs look hot!  I should have taken them back the next Monday, but I didn’t.  They were in my closet for the longest time but I never returned them.  Then life got in the way.  I graduated high school early at the end of December and didn’t see my friend much after that.  That was my year of hell.  I had no direction and I was a hot mess.  The shoes eventually ended up out on my parent’s screened in back porch and they got rained on and weathered and pretty much ruined after that.  I felt so awful that I had allowed them get to that point.  I never did talk to my friend about it and never apologized to her or Gussie.  I was so ashamed that I hadn’t returned them when I should have.  I think the shoes eventually ended up in the burn pile at home and finally went to the dump.

I know, they were just a pair of shoes, but to me, they were a representation of trust.  Gussie trusted my friend and my friend trusted me with these antique, leather, beautiful red shoes that had been saved from an era that was unique and they probably had sentimental value to her.  I broke that trust.  I didn’t apologize.  I just “assumed” they would forgive me, which they probably did, but I didn’t forgive myself.

Part of saying “I’m sorry” to someone is also saying “I’m sorry” to yourself.  I never learned that, really, until honestly just a few months ago.  Not really, down in the depths of my soul, anyway. It has been a huge breakthrough for me to learn how to truly forgive myself for past mistakes.  It’s always been easier to forgive others but then beat myself up over the things I do.  That has changed now.

I’m not sure if my friend even remembers the shoes, but Gussie has long ago passed on.  I hope she has been given shoes of gold where she is now.  They would be a great accessory to her angel wings and she deserves them.  Thank you Gussie for lending me your shoes and please forgive me for not returning them as promised.