This was written nearly a year ago…we still remain estranged from some of our kids and grandkids…I suppose the hurt ran too deep this time and not sure the wound will heal…

Reposting on my new website.

If anyone has ever been in a step-parenting situation, you have to know that it isn’t easy and in most cases it seems doomed from the start.  Divorce is really painful and tears you up inside.  You question yourself and your worth.  You wonder if you will ever get through the pain of rejection, feeling like a failure at marriage, and wondering if you will be “enough” for anyone ever again.  It isn’t easy and I don’t know if it’s worse than having a death of a spouse because I have never been through that, but you still go through an extremely painful grieving process.

When you finally meet that next “someone” you are a little more cautious and try to make a better decision about who you want to give your heart to.  You have to take EVERYTHING into consideration, including the children and make sure you are making the right decision.  You have to look at living arrangements, finances, how you will handle holidays, everything.  You have to go over it with a fine tooth comb over and over with each other before you commit again.  You have to be sure you’re not going to make another mistake and end up with yet another failed marriage.

When my husband and I met, we did all these things and made a decision to stick together no matter what.  That has made the difference in keeping our marriage together.  We made a commitment to each other first and foremost.  He promised to take me dancing every week so that we always had a special night set aside just for us so that we could talk and laugh and dance until our feet hurt.  He kept that promise until we got to the age when we had to start taking it easy due to health issues.  We still go as often as our health will allow because it brings back that spark again and a reminder that we are forever each other’s dancing partners.  This is what has kept our marriage intact (and a lot of communication).

It hasn’t always been easy, because what we have left in the wake of us taking care of each other first are five beautiful children who often felt neglected and hurt because we didn’t have enough time to go around.  Do we have some regrets?  You bet.  Would we do the same thing again?  You bet.  Putting the most important relationship in your life as a number one priority is not a mistake and who would we be as parents if we didn’t set the example for our kids.  You have to stick with it and it takes a lot of grit sometimes but you just keep going.

I’m not sure how to navigate through the hurt we have caused some of the children, though.   We have done the best we can while still trying to piece our lives together.   As I have pondered it, I have come to the conclusion that at some point, they need to learn to work through the pain just as I have had to do.  The hardest part is looking at yourself in the mirror and asking “What was my part in all of this? Did I do everything I could to make things better? Or did I let my hurt override everything and make it worse?”  I have learned that the road always goes both ways.  The phone lines go both ways.  One sided relationships don’t work.  Could we have done more with our children?  Yes, for sure.  Will it ever be enough?  Probably never.  When you take on an already broken family, it is sometimes irreparable.  You have to learn to take care of yourself first.  It’s hard to put a mirror back together once it’s been shattered.

So, you go through life doing the best you can with what you know and keep moving forward and hope that the pain that has been caused from the fracture is not passed on to the precious next generation.  My hope is that the future can shine a little bit brighter for these beautiful young ones.  That they can see hope and success in the future and not hate and pain.   It’s very difficult when you are hurting to not want to shout it from the roof tops, but these young ones need protection and they don’t need to take on other’s pain and suffering.  It’s hard enough growing up in this crazy world.

I know quite a bit about taking on the pain of an adult in your life.  My mother shared all her crazy stuff with me when I was growing up.  It took a toll on how I viewed the world and has taken years of working through it to get my head on straight and be a somewhat normal human being.  She was a narcissistic personality that viewed her world as it revolved around her.  Those in her world were her pawns to do her bidding.  This created in me a people-pleasing mentality that has gone on for years.  I was always worried about what everyone else thought or needed and put everyone but myself first.  I am not doing that anymore.  I have changed my dance from a waltz to a tango and when you do that, others don’t like it.  I had to do this because I have learned that I need to put myself first and those who truly know me and love me will continue to do so.  Those that don’t will be left out of my world because it’s not about them.  This is about me and my most precious relationship, my husband.  Life is a choice.  We don’t have to spend time with people who hate us or do not have our best interest in mind.  I am trying to surround myself with those people in my life who truly do love me and although my world is getting a lot smaller, it is richer.

What to do about the kids?  I can only hope they know that we all do the best we can at the time with what we know.  I know that after of having a love/hate relationship with my mother, I still loved her in the end.  I still respected the fact that she was my mother and she did the best she could.  I took away all the good things she was able to do for me in my life and left the bad.   She taught me how to sew, how to can and preserve food, to work really hard and how to be independent.  She wasn’t always there for me emotionally, but she was there.  I visited her often and learned to appreciate the things that she could give me and not dwell on the things she couldn’t.  I had respect for her in spite of all the hurt she caused me.  I treated her with kindness and dignity and went to a lot of therapy.  I never once wished her any ill will because in the end, she was still my mother and I loved her.

I can only hope that my children and grandchildren can learn from this.  Our family doesn’t have to be fractured if we can let go of expectations and accept who we all are.  It might be good to have a conversation once in a while just for fun, not because we want or need anything from each other.  We might just learn something about each other and learn that there’s a lot of love to go around if we give each other a chance.  I just want a little bit of respect and dignity for my husband and I and a civil conversation.  Simple as that because it’s not easy being a parent and it’s even harder being a step-parent.

The phone goes both ways.  Let’s talk.