This was originally posted in May 2016…I lost a lot of blog posts when I moved websites and am now re-posting them…Enjoy.

About a year ago I was struggling with something and asked a “close” friend for support and she couldn’t give it to me.  I took a step back from this friendship and gave it a hard look.  It was not a healthy relationship, it being more one-sided and off balance.  I was the designated giver and she the taker.   I was always the one doing the running errands or driving her where she wanted to go.  I was the people pleaser trying to make her happy by doing things that she wanted to do.  The minute I needed something from her, she dropped me like a hot potato.  I felt angry, hurt, and used.  Then felt confused about how I got myself into this situation in the first place.

As I took stock of myself and took a close look at my M.O. (modus operandi), I realized that I have always been attracted to needy people.   I have this underlying need to be needed.   I think my mother was much the same way.  She was always there for the underdog.  If you were struggling she would try to help.  If you weren’t struggling or she didn’t know about your struggles, you got ignored.  The squeaky wheel always got the grease in our family.  Maybe she and I aren’t so different after all.  I must have observed that behavior over and over and absorbed it as part of who I am. I honestly can’t say if it is my true nature, though.  I was always shy as a child but I think it was a survival mechanism rather than who I am.  I got shut down a lot and my needs never mattered. No one listened to me.  If I wasn’t told to be quiet, then I was told I was wrong.  I just couldn’t win so I just gave up trying and became a very shy little girl.  So now, I don’t know if my peacemaking is a natural part of my personality or a learned behavior.  I do know that it is the one thing that helps me to remain kind and have empathy for others.  It’s not a bad behavior to have unless your life is out of balance.

Co-dependency is not healthy.  When you give too much of yourself away, you start resenting those you are helping and it keeps you from learning how to take care of yourself.  This is something I struggle with.  It is awkward and makes me feel uneasy trying to put myself first after behaving just the opposite  for so long. I honestly can’t even comprehend how many hours I have spent taking care of others, how much money I have literally just given away to please someone else and how much doing all of that chipped away at my own self worth.  I’m not saying that helping others is wrong, but when you give up who you are in order to do it, then your own well-being is at risk.  You must take care of yourself first or you have nothing to give.  This is the state of mind I was in with my “friend” about a year ago.  I decided I needed to take a year off and have no interaction with friends for a year so that I could start taking care of myself and fixing the things inside me that needed fixing.  So, I kept my husband and children close, but let go of all others.

What have I done over the past year?  I finished a degree that I started over twenty years ago,   I read many books,  I started exercising so I could rehabilitate my back, I went to Sea World and spent precious time with my family.  I started dreaming again.  I dreamed about what my life could be if I started doing what would make me happy.  Who would be included?  Who would I exclude? Where would I live?  What would I do with the rest of these precious years I have left?  The answers are not simple, but they are ones that are bubbling up to the surface from deep within my soul.  This little shy girl is becoming who she wants to be and living the life that suits her.

Over the last month, I have re-connected with a few old friends.  You know, these are the kind of friends you have always looked up to and wished you could be like?  Those friends that previously intimidated me because I thought I could never be like them or have the self-confidence that they have.  Funny thing is, when you start a very authentic conversation with people, you hear their stories.  Their stories are very powerful and much the same as mine.  They struggle too.  A lot!  I believe though, the difference between people who are confident and people who are not, is evident in how they respond to their struggles.  They have the courage to ask for help.  They ask others for tools and are open to new ideas that may help them.  How do I know this?  I asked.  I wanted to know how they did it and they told me.  We connected.  I wanted to have a conversation to see what messages they got when they were young and  found out that their stories were not so different from my own.  The difference is that they found the tools they needed by loving themselves enough and having the courage to ask for help.  That’s what I’m learning to do too.   These “new” old friends of mine are the jewels in my crown and I am grateful they are in this world with me so that I know I’m not alone in my struggles.  They are priceless.

Now I have a new mantra.  It’s one I stole from the most recent Cinderella movie.  In the scene where she is getting her last message from her dying mother, she is told, “Have courage and be kind.”  That is what I tell myself every day.  It gives me strength to know I can have courage to take care of myself, have courage to ask for help, have courage to be who I am.  I only do things now that I want to do, only buy things that I absolutely love, surround myself with people and things that reflect who I am, and only share my deepest thoughts with people who I know who love me and have earned the right to hear my story.

Keep your life simple.   Have courage and be kind.